Thursday, December 20, 2012

Short and sweet.

I was completely inspired the other night after Adam and I had a little bump in the road. As it would turn out, something he told me wasn't quite true. Dates were mixed up, whatever, I interpreted the situation as he blatantly lied to me, he says he mixed up dates. Being as the dates in question were before we even met, I decided it was best to let this situation go. I was firm about where I stood on the situation and that I was not interested in dating someone I could not trust. He agreed, was understanding, and apologetic. I was upset: he reached out to me, he consoled me, assured me I could trust him in the present and in the future and in that moment, that was exactly what I needed. After we talked and hugged, agreed to go back to being a 'happy normal couple' and went about our evening. At night when our heads hit the pillow I thanked him for having patience and talking to me without getting upset at me. His response melted my heart, he said 'Thank you for talking to me and expressing your concerns, also thank you for not ignoring me any longer.' <--In reference to his 3 un-returned text messages and 2 un-returned phone calls previously that day. Simple as his response sounds it was beyond touching, it put the whole situation into perspective for me. As someone who can tend to be semi-selfish in love I was completely looking at this situation as-- HE LIED TO ME. HE HURT ME, this is all about ME. I was unable to see anything past that. However, Adam was hurt by this too, one of his messages throughout the day said 'I hate that you think I am lying to you.' When we talked at night he said how hard this was for him because he felt like I was negating all of our good times for one mis-communication (I can be a bit of a hard ass). I made a bigger deal out of it then necessary but he allowed it, he allowed me to vent and he listened, apologized, and calmed me down. My gratitude and feelings for Adam greatly increased in that moment. Even though this was my issue and mainly my feelings that were hurt, what a sweet reminder that this situation was hard and hurtful for him too.
So here is my grand thought: At all times, we should all do our best to be smart, yet selfless in love and think about the other person involved in the situation. We all have our own past, current struggles, feelings, and experiences and when two people are attempting to come together one should always remember to be true to themselves and own their issues however still maintain a kind soul that can allow the other person to be heard and felt too. Even if you are the person in the wrong, compassion from the person you wronged is a beautiful thing. Live and learn

Monday, October 29, 2012

Little owl says WHOOOOOOO are you?

It's like looking in a gray, dirty mirror all the time.  It's like playing tug of war with your panache.  It's like  hating and loving and hating and kinda loving, and then changing your mind again all the time.  It's fucking madness.

Self-identity is the topic.  Playing the blame game is so last season, but I can not escape the challenges that my Mother seems to love to put on my emotional plate.  The scenario that stemmed the topic was last night her and Bill stopped by to drop off some chocolate souffles, a must appreciated gesture.  However, the new guy I'm seeing, Adam, was there cooking dinner and it took my parents all of 10 minutes to start in with the tattoo questions (he has a half-sleeve), I figured they meant no harm and were just curious, so I didn't make a big deal of it.  Next day (today) my Mom text me asking why I was acting so different last night, I said no big deal was just on my period not feeling so great.  She continues with, if you say so, sure you weren't drinking.... and other nonsense that resonates through my head.  After continued prodding I told her I was slightly bothered that they harassed Adam about his tattoo but that ultimately it was no big deal.  Since I said that I have not heard from her. That was 8 hours ago and she still is not speaking to me.  I can sum this behavior up numerous ways: childish, ridiculous, offensive, and whatever a good word/term is that basically says I am exhausted of trying with her!  We just don't get along, period.  She is timid: I am not.  She hates communicating: I thrive on it.  She dislikes being social: I seek social interactions.  She fears new people: I introduce myself to strangers.  She lives with trepidation: I work to banish the trepidation she put in my life. She is close minded: I am open.  We could not be more polar opposite.  Yet she is my Mother, and she wants to be closer to me and I want to be closer to her, in theory.  In real life, we are not even friends on Facebook.  

However, fucked up relationship aside, what haunts me is that our differences leap off the page.  She is constantly interjecting her disapproval of my life into my everyday. That holds true with anything that plays out to be different than what she envisioned for me.  It kills me that my Mother can't see outside her Mormon bubble/predetermined life for me.  She does not prefer people with tattoos, that swear (and yes even hell counts), drink, smoke, dance, live, or do anything different from her norm.  Basically anyone who is willing to be ostentatious and put themselves out there she feels uncomfortable with, great guide to introduce people to the world, eh?  My whole life my Mom has made me feel like I need to be Mormon, marry in the temple, have 3 kids, or else the sigh of disapproval is there.  And I try to see both sides, clearly my Mom feels very strongly about her religion and she is going to want to share with her children and hope that they accept.  However, if some kids have not chosen her path, does that give her the right to treat us differently and constantly put down behavior 99% of the world deems appropriate?

I wonder how my life would be so different if I was not constantly made to feel like a failure.  If I had a more worldly mother who didn't demean me for normal cravings.  Regardless, I am firm believer that we were all raised less than ideally in some form or another and as adults we have the right and resources to work to where we want to be.  I always had this ideology that mother and daughter would be inseparable, could talk for hours, share everything, etc. but my Mom and I's relationship is like a gymnast that can't stick the landing.  We try to make it work, try to play up the few dim similarities but as we get closer, we fall apart. For me, internally searching for a better way to live and function is a part of daily life.  I believe that people should constantly seek to improve, learn, and grow.  Reading articles, taking classes, stretching my comfort zones, being involved in 'over-my-head' conversations, new music, scaring myself, is all part of being me. This definitely conflicts with my relationship with my Mom. As I 'get out there' and fall in love with all these new things, it furthers me from the ideal person she thought I would be.  Of course she is supportive of education, but not salsa dancing, or an awesome new friend I met while tequila tasting.  Becoming an adult has been liberating, and so far, my everyday favorite thing.  Coming to the realization that being who I am doesn't jive with having my Mom be my best friend hurts, but sometimes life doesn't always deal us a royal flush.  I will not be someone I am not to please her.  I owe it to myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy.  They say that letting go isn't the end, it's just the beginning.  It feels sickly ok to say that I am now ok knowing that I will never be best friends with my Mom.  It's just time to face the music, we've been dealt one pair.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Giddy, but reserved pants.

New beginnings are on the horizon.  True in many aspects of life but, perhaps due to hormones and horniness there is only one new beginning on the brain right now as I write, his name is Adam.  Things with Adam have been good, I don't want to use the word great just yet, and cue entrance of the 'reserved' part of the title here...I don't know what I feel, this is why I write.  Throughout grammar, syntax, and wit my life comes together right in front of my eyes most the time.  Anyway, guess a backlog would be appropriate right about now.  Adam and I met online, exchanged a few emails, then texts, met for coffee, met for drinks, yadi yada now we're dating.  It's been about 6 weeks ish? I like him.  He is tall, successful, silly, smart, fun, comfortable, understanding, and basically my minds manifestation of a walking dream boat. Last night while he was cooking dinner in his glasses, chatting up a storm, I couldnt help but just smile.  He embodies the essence of the whole sophisticated and sexy thing while still being able to relax in a tshirt with me, indulging in our special things, while conversing about world affairs or who cares who's right or wrong? Always what I've dreamed of.  Our dates have varied from Michael Jackson tribute concerts to football dates in sweatpants on the couch, to expensive dinners that involve heels and slacks. Explains the giddiness right? However, I feel these reservations, and advice always says to pay attention to the red flags right? But how do you know if the flags you perceive to be 'red' are indeed red flags, there lies the problem.  I feel.......ugh.....I feel.....................confused by Adam's intentions.  Maybe I am over analyzing, maybe I am being smart to avoid really getting hurt, I have not decided yet, and it really is impossible for me to decide until I know what he is thinking.  I feel like I just want time, but every time we kiss I seem to feel pressure from more than just his lips.  

Adam does really sweet things--like take me to great dinners/cooks amazing dinners, tells the waiter 'ladies choice' and lets me choose, listens to the small things, but then he will do something completely silly like not notice there are 6 people and 5 chairs and I am the only one standing. If you know me at all, you  know I am not a pessimist, and it is not in my style to negate six good actions for one bad one. I am not expecting perfection from a man, if I did I would just throw in the towel now and sign on the dotted line, crazy cat lady fo' life! X__________.  However, I am just trying to be smart here and find the middle ground of how do I know he really cares about me/he is a guy and is going to do stupid shit that I need to just let go of. My friend Courtney brings up good points that semi-haunt me: this is the beginning, he is bringing his best behavior to the table, this is as good as it's gonna get...the logical part of me says she is right.

The problem is I am fighting against the clock, does it even need to be typed out that the chemistry is radiating between us? Our makeout sessions have progressed from innocent smooches outside saying goodnight to is that his hand on my ass? omg that is so hot. to me on top of him on the couch moaning in his ear. My body wants him so badly and it would appear that vice versa is true but I'm not going to have sex with someone I hardly know, it's too risky when you like someone. If I had no feelings for Adam the neighbors probably would have called the police for a noise violation last night, but we are past that point of sex buddies yet not ready for committed sex. I just don't feel we know enough about eachother. And I know that it's easy for guys to leave girls at any point when they find out something they don't like, but women being more attachment prone, damn all that oxytocin, have a harder time saying "Peace" once sex is involved.  Sounds like I need to stop smoochin and start chattin with him...Stay tuned....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Man, you're legit.

Last night, while sitting on the deck after just having said good night to an extremely handsome man (ooo, so hard to do) I was overcome with a thought.  It's a simple idea, yet put into certain context reminded me what this journey is all about.  I thought to myself, Everywhere you turn the same advice is resonated and people are told *MARRIAGE IS WORK* and anyone who has a successful one will attest to this, BUT, if you like your partner, similar to how some people like their job, what's the big deal if you gotta do a little work here and there?  Liking your partner is a HUGE piece of the love puzzle that I think so many people overlook; instead qualities like physical appearance, careers, sensitivity, hobbies, etc get more spotlight time but when you really think about it...having respect, being able to smile and not sigh towards your partner, and just truly enjoying their personality will make the ultimate difference.  It seems to me when someone does not like their job there are plenty of obvious physical manifestations, you see them moaning and groaning before, after, and during the work day however, the people who are blessed with a job they enjoy are complete opposites....they eagerly talk about work, anticipate it, and even work late sometimes just for the joy of it. So, is this the magic secret to actually enjoying the work that is essential for a marriage? To like your job? Aka like your husband/wife?

After having been through trials, health struggles, job loss or whatever life throws at you, if you can look at your significant other with a loving light in your eyes, then damn, you've got it! It's saddening to me how life can bring two wonderful people apart and through varying experiences we allow life to wedge us apart instead of utilizing those trials to bring us closer together.  In a relationship, two people must put eachother first and pledge to care for that persons needs or else things will get messy.  To bring it back around full circle, in my humble opinion, a healthy relationship is only possible if you truly have a sincere desire in your heart for that persons well-being, a desire not fueled by sexual or any other sort of physical craving (although that lusty feeling is very important too!!!), but simply a loving, friendly compassionate feeling towards that person, aka LIKE THEM!

I'm on a mission to figure it out... In the meantime please leave your thoughts on like and love below!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

50 Shades of Pissed.

My heart is racing, my teeth are unbrushed.  I am laying in bed after ditching class, wait what, it was cancelled anyways? Yes!  But I digress, as I am laying in bed this morning I am mad.  Not furious or blood boiling mad, just pissed.  For anyone reading that is not in the loop, I went through a break-up about a few months ago and I don't know if this is a part of the grieving stage or what but today's emotion of the day is: pissed. And I have arrived, full fledged. Although I'd never do anything as drastic as the photo entails, I'm still pissed in my own way!

I was extremely close to pushing send on an email to the ex, then thought, hahahaha, no you crazy, we live in 2012, we blog about stuff now.  And in a much wiser state of mind, I am doing just that.  Because pushing send on an email would just force him to respond and that is the last thing I want.

So, why am I mad? Here is why.

I am mad because he lied to me about really trivial shit.
I am still mad that he told {insert BFF's name here} something extremely top secret that I asked him not to tell anyone. Then again, lied to me about telling him. Funny how text messages don't lie though.
I am mad that he forwarded our private emails to some girl name Alysha, then again, blatantly lied about it.
Sidenote: People do realize white lies count as lies right? 
I am mad that he didn't call and/or show up to work for my parents, TWICE, when they have been nothing but good to him.
I am mad that he pulled his stupid truck that I HATE in my driveway yesterday. Pushing that bitch off a cliff would give me so much satisfaction you have no idea...
I am mad I gave him 2 years of my life for nothing.
I am mad that he couldn't communicate or share anything about himself with me the whole time we dated.
I am mad at myself for loving him.

Wait, WHAT?

Often times people say anger gets misplaced, maybe I am mad at myself... I should have called this relationship off so much sooner than I did.  But, I loved his mother, and his smile, and his warm arms that were always there for me.  I was wrapped up in love, which he had plenty to give.  He showered me with praise, yet harbored so many personal issues. I was not being nurtured the way a companion should be.  Although he had a heart of gold, he was lacking in some major areas.  Hard lesson to learn.  When you are surrounded by all these stories of women being abused in one form or another, settling seems to become more and more prevalent.  Times are changing, dating patterns are changing so naturally peoples expectations change too. But, lesson learned, just because a man is ridiculously nice to you, doesn't mean you to have to accept that and stay with him.  Love should feel completely fulfilling, and with Ryan- we were so close yet so far.  Hopefully next time, I find myself smarter in love...


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

In true fashion...

Life has hit me lately.  Life has hit me, beat me up, and spit me out, leaving me feeling alone and confused.  Ending a 2 year relationship is like loosing your right hand, when you are right handed.  My mom had a rule her second time around- "Never date a man for more than one year, everything you need to know to make a decision about marriage will come in that time."  However, in true Rachel fashion, I did not listen.  Life has a way of inserting us into its vortex and confusing our day to day thoughts with its overwhelming presence.  Days turn to weeks, weeks to months, months to seasons, seasons to years and next thing you know you have been with your partner for way too long and you're in this confusing place of what are we doing? What is keeping us together? Who are we as a couple? As individuals? And pretty sure this thought has crossed your mind," I may as well stay with him since we have so much time invested..." and next thing ya know you are left with this person sleeping next to you that you pretty much just want to push out of the bed just to see what happens. At least I did which made me realize that I did not want to marry the person who I was currently sharing my life with.  A haunting memory eats at me, it was appx a year and a half ago, a rainy cold night after having sex with him, I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry because I knew this was not the man for me, I wanted so much more.  But he gave me so many things which made me believe something was wrong with me.  Everyone wanted me to love him, everyone said he is so nice, so kind, he loves you so much.  And while I admit those are admirable qualities, I was not in it.  I smiled with hesitation, I sighed alot, and I felt like we were lacking, and that everything was a struggle.  We rarely spent time together; instead I found myself distracted with the company of my friends trying to fill the void he was creating. {Insert quote about love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit}, although gross, and I admit it's weird to compare poo to love, you can't deny the truth behind it. Finally, what broke me down and shook me out of my shell was photos.  

Photos of my friends with their husbands, kids, and intensely happy lives.  The imagery of the photos spoke volumes.  He and I were making the same cheeser smiles in our rentals while their kids were going from newborn, to crawling, to walking, to becoming these gorgeous beings with personalities and there was no denying the progression of time going on around me.  None of this half ass living together for multiple years and nothing comes of it, no more sighs and settling and pretending to be happy with the mediocre life I had created.  I saw my friends getting married, moving, buying homes, really getting out there and I realized, what was I doing?  Besides taking care of a dog, working part time, cooking, going to school, and scraping by on the boyfriend paychecks what was filling my life with satisfaction?  Seems rude right?  I had a guy who did everything for me, completely devoted, and I was about as interested in him as I was in gaining 20 pounds.  The point is sometimes we can't control what we feel, we want to change our own minds, but something greater inside us tells us that we can't.  I often wonder why he was so devoted to me?  And I don't believe it was for the right reasons.  I think it was because he was setting his sights short, and he too was caught up in our small town life.  We had a rented roof over our heads, enough money in the bank to fill up a gas tank or buy some groceries, dinner on the table and he was happy.  He was simple, and settled rather easily, which is why he probably never asked me to marry him in 2+ years together.  I was and remain complex, or at least a more complicated version than he. 

I have read articles and heard stories about giving up the notion of a perfect marriage.  So mentally I did understand (or attempt to understand) that I could not expect certain things of him, and I struggled with that alot.  Clearly he wasn't perfect, nobody will be, but he had all the xyz qualities I mentioned before so why couldn't I marry him and accept him? All I can say, is I just didn't feel it. Even tho I didn't expect a perfect partner, I did expect him to be perfect for me. Although my heart knew he was good and pure, my head said nope, or maybe it was the other way head wanted me to love him but my heart said no.  I'm not sure which was which but I knew the two biggest deciders in my love life were in contention and that I could not deny.  You can not fight with intuition.  I wanted to love him, I really, really wanted to love him.  I felt I tried very hard because he loved me unconditionally, and after finally finding that acceptance after so long of craving it made it even harder to let go of. Letting him go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  We were so close, so close to being that happy, silly family unit I desired so badly.  However, the one thing missing was that he was completely unable to be silly, or let go, or take a photo with anything but his usual akward smile.  He had qualities, good ones, that I loved so much and that any lady would be lucky to find in a mate.  But, at the end of the day I had to take my own advice and acknowledge that good decisions will never be easy.  And looking back on my old life, even though my heart aches and I sometimes cry when I'm doing something ridiculous like putting away dishes, I know it will fade and it will be replaced by something stronger and more true.  Everytime we fall, not only do we rise up again, but we rise up stronger, smarter, and more courageous.  I need a moment, a second to mentally document and thank him for his love and devotion because without it I would feel heartless.  I think of all the moving, trips to the store, unpacking, projects and random things that he did for me, he really was a good man. But when the time of mourning has passed, I will be happier.  I can't wait for someone to come into my life that is perfectly flawed, but that can make me laugh and roll with the punches.  Someone who will pick our babies up and swirl them through the air while lighting them up with his smile.  Someone who gives me butterflies, that can also be loyal and possess the good qualities I had before. I'm scared, scared that "all the good ones are taken".  After all I am not starting this off at the greatest age.  But I know that it is not impossible and it will happen for me if I prepare myself for it.  I will end with this, I believe it is an Irish proverb,

"When you come to the edge of all that you know you must believe in one of two things; Either there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings to fly"

I can't wait for my wings.

Photo credit: Tyler Shields

Monday, April 9, 2012


I inevitably will tear up/cry through this whole thing, don't know why, if that's a good thing or bad but none-the-less HERE WE GO!!!  I feel I should start with a precursor as to what brings me here. My brother Matt who I love so dearly, just blogged a day in his life that I have been trying to catch up with him about. Since I am still waiting for him to return my phone call (ahem, Matty)..... I ended up reading his blog in the meantime and realized how nice it was to gain that insight into his mind. While he was just simply documenting the events of his day, I learned a little piece about his mind that makes up who he is, and in turn felt closer to him, and I love that. That sparked a long overlooked passion within myself for writing, growing, and sharing.  How could I have forgotten the clarity and wisdom derived from writing? Silly me, but regardless, I couldn't be happier to be back in the writers' seat sharing my craziness with everyone.

I am hoping through this blog we can all share together our thoughts, family issues, weight struggles, recipes, love stories, personal growth, etc.  I sincerely hope this blog finds everyone well and that you can benefit from reading it as much as I do writing it!

Please comment, share, do whatever you gotta do to spread the love.