If by playing games you mean UNO, then yes, I play games.

I read articles. ALOT. Like, all the time. I love them, and equally such I love the comments- I enjoying reading how people re-acted to what they just read. One thing I read alot about is relationships and the other day an article struck me hard. It was all about how to play games, the right way, in order to keep a man with you. The advice was the typical: don't return a text for 5 hours and a phone call for 2 days, never let him see you without makeup, etc.

I don't get this.  I mean if you want a superficial, broken floorboard, Jenna and Tito type of relationship by all means! Return Tuesday's missed call on Thursday and never let him see you not looking like a fox. I am old-fashioned yes I admit but I do have modern flair, I've known this about me forever and it's not going anywhere so keep in mind that does play into my own article here.

When Adam and I first started dating it was an interesting process.  I never felt we were playing games with eachother, but we were independent people who needed a moment to make sure we were both making a good decision for ourselves. I didn't date other people while Adam and I dated, I think he saw a few casually. I never worried or resorted to taking 5 hours to return his texts because I knew that if he wanted to be with me, he would.  And I knew in my mind, what I wanted more than anything was to be with a man who truly wanted to be with me.  If that was him, score! If not, tears for days would have poured out of my eyes but I was willing to take that chance to find out if his intentions were true.  There were times.  Times he made me wonder--but I always had my feet planted firm.  When he made me question him I would say things like, "If you act like this I don't feel important to you and that hurts me." I didn't demand he apologize or cower to me, I just stated what I needed from him if he wanted to be with me.  To much my pleasure- he would respond with," If you let me see you again I will make it up to you" and other things of that nature.

BOTTOM LINE. I teased and enticed Adam but never played games with him to where he questioned ME: my integrity, my honesty, or my commitment to him.  I never invited him over and had another guy there, and played stupid that I double booked (yes I've known girls who have done that) and newsflash it just makes you look skanky, and like you have a bad memory!!! I just did what I had to do to kept him interested, like kissing him with intense passion before sending him home so that I could study. If I was ever unavailable to him, which I was, it was because of a school, work, friend or family function not because the club had a special on $2 shooters. I respect'd myself, and made sure he did too.

When we first met, I was 26 and Adam 29.  He is a successful, privatized individual and becoming a 'we' was not an overnight task.  I had to prove myself to him.  Prove that I was loyal, funny, sexy, caring, true and that I had his best interest at mind always.  Time has done that for us and our love now has taken me to new heights and taught me things I never knew were possible. He is my best friend and I adore him to the moon and back.

We are not married, but I hope someday that we are.  A love like ours deserves marriage, it screams it! So, I do not know that my way of doing things, aka not playing games works since we can not measure it by the marriage mark but if you consider a loving, respectable, fun, amazing relationship that is filled with great sex and laughs by the dozen a good test of measure, then yes, it works. So, my advice, just drop the games and be your sexy fun self, it's the best way to catch a genuine man. As for Adam and I, we will stick to playing Uno by the fire at night, now THAT is a game we enjoy.

Why you little ship jumper you!

I read a quote the other day that completely inspired me. "The grass isn't always greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it."

How many people are actually willing to work on things instead of just replacing them?  How many people ditch any and everything they find currently inconvenient? In a modern day society where people get ticked if their 4G isn't fast enough or their car doesn't go 0-60 in 3 seconds, we learn quickly that waiting is inconvenient. There really is no doubt that the whole 'I want it yesterday' philosophy has been completely assimilated into most peoples everyday lives. Applying this thought to relationships also makes one understand why people can simply shrug when they hear the divorce rate is over 50%.

If you don't like your job, get a new one.  Tired of your car, get a new one.  It's resonated everywhere in this cheap, Made in China world we live in.  However, I have always believed that what goes on around us can be shut out with the close of a door.  What happens in the 'outside world' stays there when we come home at night to our families and close that divider. I believe that people are worth investing in.  I believe that you don't just toss things out when they spoil, let's save that philosophy for food- not husbands and wives. I believe in cherishing your partner. I believe in being grateful and humble that your partner has chose to spend their life with you. I believe in relationships, when you get married and start your own family unit that it is just that.  Your own family unit. You don't divorce family.  I believe in re-building, trust, passion, struggle and longevity. I believe as long as the people in the relationship are good/healthy for each other, they can conquer anything.

I am not trying to sound like a girl who caught a high from a Disney fairytale here.  I understand there are cases where you can give and give, do everything right and still find yourself at a dead end if there is one person in the relationship that doesn't want to admit to problems or put in effort.  But when you consider the connection and intense quality of the intimacy two people in love can share when they've invested years in each other and have numerous memories and timeline highlights, why wouldn't you try to salvage that? As someone who currently just dreams of long-term true love I can just imagine what sweet bliss it is, I imagine it's not even comparable to new love. Sure, new love is amazing.  It's whimsical, thrilling, and well, new and that's great! But just as things that are shiny have their appeal, so are things with history and a story. The trick lies in what you and your partner value. My point is this- If you have two healthy people committed to the relationship, and committed to each other- you can make forever a reality despite all the roadblocks we humans face today. Not a mind-numbing new idea, but something worth reminding ourselves of.

And always, always, remember the BEST relationship advice ever: CHOOSE THE RIGHT PERSON.
 

Tax Season Anyone?

In my little slice of life, things have been a little crazy lately.  Usually Adam and I are pretty good at being a 'cumulative couple'.  By that I mean we meet in the middle and do our best to both contribute to the relationship.  But lately it's been just a little nuts since Adam is nearing the end of tax season and as a Senior Accountant he is surely feeling the pressure.  It's my job to pick up where he needs and fill in the blanks he can't right now.  Something I have no problem doing because A) I love him. B) I know he would do it for me. Right now my main concern is not keeping things spicy between us or really anything even related to that.  At the moment, we are sticking to basics like keeping dinner on the table, getting enough sleep, and not having an emotional meltdown during this really stressful work time. So, in an effort to keep my man happy I made him a coupon today for a free massage. Certainly there are other girlfriends/wives of accountants that need a sweet pick me up for their man, if so, consider your wish granted!



Can be printed, or right click on the photo to save and email to your sweetie!

An update on my pants.

So, in the life of a crazy 28 year old scatter brain, shit happens.  Everyday is so consuming, things are always changing and staying on top of stuff is a full-time job in and of itself.  Anyways, as I was re-reading through some of my blog posts I realized I never really updated the 'Giddy but Reserved Pants' post.

My journey to being a couple with Adam was a little like a back country dirt road.  It wasn't paved, clearly marked, or smooth.  It was thrilling and a little bumpy, and it was our own.  If you've read the previous Pants post you know that I had reservations about the relationship, and was confused by some potential red flags. As it would turn out, the red flags were flags but they were not permanent problems, they were merely road blocks. All during our coming together, I had a feeling about Adam, a sense that he was a little confused but that he was a great person with even better intentions. At times I felt like he had one foot in and one foot out. The thought that he had one foot out clearly troubled me, but the thought of him having one foot in intrigued me at the same time. Adam definitely displayed interest in me, he sent me sweet texts, I knew I was on his mind, and I knew he liked me, I just wasn't sure why the reservations.  Men are confusing creatures, and trying to figure out if they really, truly care about us women in the beginning of a relationship can often times be very confusing.  I was definitely in that boat with him, but I'm so glad I didn't give up and toss him overboard!!!!

Through understanding and communication I learned that Adam had a lot of past 'business relationships' ...and I am quite different from that.  I am old-fashioned and one of those 'nice girls'- a true homey homie if you will, a hard combination to understand in modern times.  He had entwining relationships from his past that were holding him captive until he knew what was going on with me.  I had hesitations in the beginning too, and not wanting to come off too needy I held back as well.  Put the two scenarios together and in retrospect those are the feelings that ignited the original post.

Fast forward to now....Here we are 4 months after all this dating pre-screening business, stronger than ever and I'm sure nowhere near as strong as we will be someday. Adam told me just the other day that I fill a void that has been in his life for longer than he cares to admit.  I often find myself lost in his eyes and dreaming about our future. We actually share an address now, the bachelor pad he use to call home is now in boxes. I don't have the slightest desire to be with anyone else, his companionship completes me.  I've always liked Adam a lot, and I realized that with that came unwanted pressures and that I was pushing expectations onto him that he wasn't ready for.  I was on one playing field and Adam was on another. Adam had reservations of his own, he was getting to know me, and as a very guarded person he did not understand my intentions or level of sincerity which led him to pull back/come to me at a slower pace.

I am so grateful that I did not give up on Adam.  The purpose of this post is to share with people that often times people holdback/hide their inner selves not because they are jerks or incapable of caring but because they are living, breathing human beings with a past. My hope is that women can be smart in dating, and see the difference in between men who are a waste of time and men who just need a little reassurance. Instead of judging him, I took things slow, had a lot of patience, and communicated my thoughts very clearly because I really liked him and felt the relationship deserved the attention. With a little work, I've got myself a great relationship.  Adam and I are definitely 'that couple'.  The couple that radiates happiness, respect, and love and it was and will be worth every drop of work that goes into it.

Photo credit: Annie B Art
Title: Dancing Tree Spirits
http://www.annieb-art.co.uk/gallery.htm

I'm imperfect and it's ALL good

 

Today I find myself with a renewed love for patience and communication.  I don’t know why I continue to let myself get so worked up for nothing.  I let these thoughts swirl around in my head, come to conclusions, get upset- for nothing! Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with Adam, as he tends to be a bit of a ‘if it’s not broken, don’t fix it type’.  I know and understand that the only way to TRULY  know what someone is thinking is to ask them, yet, somehow I have a hard time putting this knowledge into practice- for reasons I do not fully understand.  Throughout our 6 month relationship Adam and I have had plenty of conversations, all of which have been filled with patience and clarity, and in the end we were both left feeling more connected and better understood.  So, why then do I still feel this hesitation to say the words ‘we need to talk’? Is it uncomfortable at times?  Yes. Do I have a problem owning my feelings? No.  After all, I think I am a reasonable girl!!

Last night I wanted to talk to Adam about the "little things" that I felt our relationship could improve on.  Sort of a hard thing to talk to a man about because I never want someone to feel like the things they actually do aren’t appreciated. But just because you do some things well, doesn’t mean you can’t do more, a hard difference to distinguish.  I really do care for Adam so much, and I try my best to show him frequently so that he knows.  I feel that he could do a better job of reciprocating that. A little difficult when he is definitely a 'man’s man' but he shocked me in the best way last night.  At first when I put the topic on the table he came back with, well I’m a man babe, and I use to be sentimental in my early 20’s but I kinda lost it, he continued to say that a lot of guys are this way but that he felt he was getting feelings of sentiment back through his feelings for me.  He also said that as men get older and move away from that early/mid 20’s stage, the sentimental, sweet side returns. 

He asked for a specific example of where he had fallen a little short and I expressed I was upset he didn’t do something a little more meaningful for me for Vday. I took sexy naked photos for him and got him a card with a long thoughtful note written in it. And it is important to note that he did go to a local music store and pick me up some Taylor Swift piano music which was beyond sweet--BUT what I really wanted was to hear how he felt about me.  I tried my best last night to communicate that to him but my words for whatever reason were coming out twisted and odd but he somehow took our thoughts full circle and everything clicked.  He said, "When you wrote that note for me I was touched, and really appreciated it, uh, wow, ok, I just got it."  My response was simple, I just smiled at him and said, thanks babe.  Then we furthered the convo and I told Adam, just because you don’t see the importance of something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, you need to think of my feelings and do things because I want things done.  He said, wow babe, that is such a lost art but I think we should bring it back.  Our male parents (Ruben and Bill) are that way, they do everything for their spouses and vice versa and they are sweet to make sure the other person’s needs are met. I can definitely tell, and know from asking, that the past couple relationships Adam had were very shallow, and as Adam calls them “business relationships”.  Not at all what I’m looking for, and I know that sort of relationship is not what he wants either so in this relationship it will be different: we are learning how to grow and progress with compassion, together.

I am really glad that I took the time to talk to Adam about my issue.  Instead of secretly being disappointed on the inside and harboring feelings of ill will I decided to communicate with him calmly and apparently effectively.  Although it may be difficult or challenging in the immediate, I know in my heart this type of behavior is much better for the long term health of our relationship. I have to be real, I can not expect any man to read my mind and know everything I want, that's typical bad girl behavior! It's interesting how women connect loving them to mind reading..can you say MYTH?! My brothers always say," I need a girl who can gently show me the way and help my stupid ass out without putting me down." Right on.

Simply put: Adam is not perfect, but neither am I and I am head over heels for his imperfect self.

.oLe.

I love Friday nights. 5 days a week the alarm goes off and I am forced to pry myself from Adam's warm arms and into the shower....which leads to work clothes...which leads to work.  Hopefully that doesn't come across as negative...I love my job. It's pretty much perfect and I really do enjoy my days.  However, snuggling with handsome Adam is pleasureable as well :) Life is good.  Margaritas are flowing through my casa tonite, John Mayer and misc. on the radio.  Feelin great.

I am grateful for:
Ellie
My health and functioning body
Adam
My mother
LOVE
My huge crazy loving family
Emotions
Possibilities
Margaritas
Money in the bank
My car
Opportunities
Court
Growing up gracious
Smarts
Sexual desires
Nature
Sunshine
A good head of hair

Amongst a million other things...

One of my favorite lessons learned as a child is to STOP and count your blessings.  When feelings of negativity creep into my world, it helps me so much to stop and make a list of all the things I have to be thankful for. Sometimes once I get going I find it's hard to stop! What is it that you are most grateful for?

Short and sweet.

I was completely inspired the other night after Adam and I had a little bump in the road. As it would turn out, something he told me wasn't quite true. Dates were mixed up, whatever, I interpreted the situation as he blatantly lied to me, he says he mixed up dates. Being as the dates in question were before we even met, I decided it was best to let this situation go. I was firm about where I stood on the situation and that I was not interested in dating someone I could not trust. He agreed, was understanding, and apologetic. I was upset: he reached out to me, he consoled me, assured me I could trust him in the present and in the future and in that moment, that was exactly what I needed. After we talked and hugged, agreed to go back to being a 'happy normal couple' and went about our evening. At night when our heads hit the pillow I thanked him for having patience and talking to me without getting upset at me. His response melted my heart, he said 'Thank you for talking to me and expressing your concerns, also thank you for not ignoring me any longer.' <--In reference to his 3 un-returned text messages and 2 un-returned phone calls previously that day. Simple as his response sounds it was beyond touching, it put the whole situation into perspective for me. As someone who can tend to be semi-selfish in love I was completely looking at this situation as-- HE LIED TO ME. HE HURT ME, this is all about ME. I was unable to see anything past that. However, Adam was hurt by this too, one of his messages throughout the day said 'I hate that you think I am lying to you.' When we talked at night he said how hard this was for him because he felt like I was negating all of our good times for one mis-communication (I can be a bit of a hard ass). I made a bigger deal out of it then necessary but he allowed it, he allowed me to vent and he listened, apologized, and calmed me down. My gratitude and feelings for Adam greatly increased in that moment. Even though this was my issue and mainly my feelings that were hurt, what a sweet reminder that this situation was hard and hurtful for him too.

 

So here is my grand thought: At all times, we should all do our best to be smart, yet selfless in love and think about the other person involved in the situation. We all have our own past, current struggles, feelings, and experiences and when two people are attempting to come together one should always remember to be true to themselves and own their issues however still maintain a kind soul that can allow the other person to be heard and felt too. Even if you are the person in the wrong, compassion from the person you wronged is a beautiful thing. Live and learn ♥

Giddy, but reserved pants.

New beginnings are on the horizon.  True in many aspects of life but, perhaps due to hormones and horniness there is only one new beginning on the brain right now as I write, his name is Adam.  Things with Adam have been good, I don't want to use the word great just yet, and cue entrance of the 'reserved' part of the title here...I don't know what I feel, this is why I write.  Throughout grammar, syntax, and wit my life comes together right in front of my eyes most the time.  Anyway, guess a backlog would be appropriate right about now.  Adam and I met online, exchanged a few emails, then texts, met for coffee, met for drinks, yadi yada now we're dating.  It's been about 6 weeks ish? I like him.  He is tall, successful, silly, smart, fun, comfortable, understanding, and basically my minds manifestation of a walking dream boat. Last night while he was cooking dinner in his glasses, chatting up a storm, I couldnt help but just smile.  He embodies the essence of the whole sophisticated and sexy thing while still being able to relax in a tshirt with me, indulging in our special things, while conversing about world affairs or who cares who's right or wrong? Always what I've dreamed of.  Our dates have varied from Michael Jackson tribute concerts to football dates in sweatpants on the couch, to expensive dinners that involve heels and slacks. Explains the giddiness right? However, I feel these reservations, and advice always says to pay attention to the red flags right? But how do you know if the flags you perceive to be 'red' are indeed red flags, there lies the problem.  I feel.......ugh.....I feel.....................confused by Adam's intentions.  Maybe I am over analyzing, maybe I am being smart to avoid really getting hurt, I have not decided yet, and it really is impossible for me to decide until I know what he is thinking.  I feel like I just want time, but every time we kiss I seem to feel pressure from more than just his lips.  

Adam does really sweet things--like take me to great dinners/cooks amazing dinners, tells the waiter 'ladies choice' and lets me choose, listens to the small things, but then he will do something completely silly like not notice there are 6 people and 5 chairs and I am the only one standing. If you know me at all, you  know I am not a pessimist, and it is not in my style to negate six good actions for one bad one. I am not expecting perfection from a man, if I did I would just throw in the towel now and sign on the dotted line, crazy cat lady fo' life! X__________.  However, I am just trying to be smart here and find the middle ground of how do I know he really cares about me/he is a guy and is going to do stupid shit that I need to just let go of. My friend Courtney brings up good points that semi-haunt me: this is the beginning, he is bringing his best behavior to the table, this is as good as it's gonna get...the logical part of me says she is right.

The problem is I am fighting against the clock, does it even need to be typed out that the chemistry is radiating between us? Our makeout sessions have progressed from innocent smooches outside saying goodnight to is that his hand on my ass? omg that is so hot. to me on top of him on the couch moaning in his ear. My body wants him so badly and it would appear that vice versa is true but I'm not going to have sex with someone I hardly know, it's too risky when you like someone. If I had no feelings for Adam the neighbors probably would have called the police for a noise violation last night, but we are past that point of sex buddies yet not ready for committed sex. I just don't feel we know enough about eachother. And I know that it's easy for guys to leave girls at any point when they find out something they don't like, but women being more attachment prone, damn all that oxytocin, have a harder time saying "Peace" once sex is involved.  Sounds like I need to stop smoochin and start chattin with him...Stay tuned....

Man, you're legit.

Last night, while sitting on the deck after just having said good night to an extremely handsome man (ooo, so hard to do) I was overcome with a thought.  It's a simple idea, yet put into certain context reminded me what this journey is all about.  I thought to myself, Everywhere you turn the same advice is resonated and people are told *MARRIAGE IS WORK* and anyone who has a successful one will attest to this, BUT, if you like your partner, similar to how some people like their job, what's the big deal if you gotta do a little work here and there?  Liking your partner is a HUGE piece of the love puzzle that I think so many people overlook; instead qualities like physical appearance, careers, sensitivity, hobbies, etc get more spotlight time but when you really think about it...having respect, being able to smile and not sigh towards your partner, and just truly enjoying their personality will make the ultimate difference.  It seems to me when someone does not like their job there are plenty of obvious physical manifestations, you see them moaning and groaning before, after, and during the work day however, the people who are blessed with a job they enjoy are complete opposites....they eagerly talk about work, anticipate it, and even work late sometimes just for the joy of it. So, is this the magic secret to actually enjoying the work that is essential for a marriage? To like your job? Aka like your husband/wife?

After having been through trials, health struggles, job loss or whatever life throws at you, if you can look at your significant other with a loving light in your eyes, then damn, you've got it! It's saddening to me how life can bring two wonderful people apart and through varying experiences we allow life to wedge us apart instead of utilizing those trials to bring us closer together.  In a relationship, two people must put eachother first and pledge to care for that persons needs or else things will get messy.  To bring it back around full circle, in my humble opinion, a healthy relationship is only possible if you truly have a sincere desire in your heart for that persons well-being, a desire not fueled by sexual or any other sort of physical craving (although that lusty feeling is very important too!!!), but simply a loving, friendly compassionate feeling towards that person, aka LIKE THEM!

I'm on a mission to figure it out... In the meantime please leave your thoughts on like and love below!

50 Shades of Pissed.

My heart is racing, my teeth are unbrushed.  I am laying in bed after ditching class, wait what, it was cancelled anyways? Yes!  But I digress, as I am laying in bed this morning I am mad.  Not furious or blood boiling mad, just pissed.  For anyone reading that is not in the loop, I went through a break-up about a few months ago and I don't know if this is a part of the grieving stage or what but today's emotion of the day is: pissed. And I have arrived, full fledged. Although I'd never do anything as drastic as the photo entails, I'm still pissed in my own way!

I was extremely close to pushing send on an email to the ex, then thought, hahahaha, no you crazy, we live in 2012, we blog about stuff now.  And in a much wiser state of mind, I am doing just that.  Because pushing send on an email would just force him to respond and that is the last thing I want.

So, why am I mad? Here is why.

I am mad because he lied to me about really trivial shit.
I am still mad that he told {insert BFF's name here} something extremely top secret that I asked him not to tell anyone. Then again, lied to me about telling him. Funny how text messages don't lie though.
I am mad that he forwarded our private emails to some girl name Alysha, then again, blatantly lied about it.
Sidenote: People do realize white lies count as lies right? 
I am mad that he didn't call and/or show up to work for my parents, TWICE, when they have been nothing but good to him.
I am mad that he pulled his stupid truck that I HATE in my driveway yesterday. Pushing that bitch off a cliff would give me so much satisfaction you have no idea...
I am mad I gave him 2 years of my life for nothing.
I am mad that he couldn't communicate or share anything about himself with me the whole time we dated.
I am mad at myself for loving him.

Wait, WHAT?

Often times people say anger gets misplaced, maybe I am mad at myself... I should have called this relationship off so much sooner than I did.  But, I loved his mother, and his smile, and his warm arms that were always there for me.  I was wrapped up in love, which he had plenty to give.  He showered me with praise, yet harbored so many personal issues. I was not being nurtured the way a companion should be.  Although he had a heart of gold, he was lacking in some major areas.  Hard lesson to learn.  When you are surrounded by all these stories of women being abused in one form or another, settling seems to become more and more prevalent.  Times are changing, dating patterns are changing so naturally peoples expectations change too. But, lesson learned, just because a man is ridiculously nice to you, doesn't mean you to have to accept that and stay with him.  Love should feel completely fulfilling, and with Ryan- we were so close yet so far.  Hopefully next time, I find myself smarter in love...

Rach   

In true fashion...

Life has hit me lately.  Life has hit me, beat me up, and spit me out, leaving me feeling alone and confused.  Ending a 2 year relationship is like loosing your right hand, when you are right handed.  My mom had a rule her second time around- "Never date a man for more than one year, everything you need to know to make a decision about marriage will come in that time."  However, in true Rachel fashion, I did not listen.  Life has a way of inserting us into its vortex and confusing our day to day thoughts with its overwhelming presence.  Days turn to weeks, weeks to months, months to seasons, seasons to years and next thing you know you have been with your partner for way too long and you're in this confusing place of what are we doing? What is keeping us together? Who are we as a couple? As individuals? And pretty sure this thought has crossed your mind," I may as well stay with him since we have so much time invested..." and next thing ya know you are left with this person sleeping next to you that you pretty much just want to push out of the bed just to see what happens. At least I did which made me realize that I did not want to marry the person who I was currently sharing my life with.  A haunting memory eats at me, it was appx a year and a half ago, a rainy cold night after having sex with him, I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry because I knew this was not the man for me, I wanted so much more.  But he gave me so many things which made me believe something was wrong with me.  Everyone wanted me to love him, everyone said he is so nice, so kind, he loves you so much.  And while I admit those are admirable qualities, I was not in it.  I smiled with hesitation, I sighed alot, and I felt like we were lacking, and that everything was a struggle.  We rarely spent time together; instead I found myself distracted with the company of my friends trying to fill the void he was creating. {Insert quote about love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit}, although gross, and I admit it's weird to compare poo to love, you can't deny the truth behind it. Finally, what broke me down and shook me out of my shell was photos.  

Photos of my friends with their husbands, kids, and intensely happy lives.  The imagery of the photos spoke volumes.  He and I were making the same cheeser smiles in our rentals while their kids were going from newborn, to crawling, to walking, to becoming these gorgeous beings with personalities and there was no denying the progression of time going on around me.  None of this half ass living together for multiple years and nothing comes of it, no more sighs and settling and pretending to be happy with the mediocre life I had created.  I saw my friends getting married, moving, buying homes, really getting out there and I realized, what was I doing?  Besides taking care of a dog, working part time, cooking, going to school, and scraping by on the boyfriend paychecks what was filling my life with satisfaction?  Seems rude right?  I had a guy who did everything for me, completely devoted, and I was about as interested in him as I was in gaining 20 pounds.  The point is sometimes we can't control what we feel, we want to change our own minds, but something greater inside us tells us that we can't.  I often wonder why he was so devoted to me?  And I don't believe it was for the right reasons.  I think it was because he was setting his sights short, and he too was caught up in our small town life.  We had a rented roof over our heads, enough money in the bank to fill up a gas tank or buy some groceries, dinner on the table and he was happy.  He was simple, and settled rather easily, which is why he probably never asked me to marry him in 2+ years together.  I was and remain complex, or at least a more complicated version than he. 

I have read articles and heard stories about giving up the notion of a perfect marriage.  So mentally I did understand (or attempt to understand) that I could not expect certain things of him, and I struggled with that alot.  Clearly he wasn't perfect, nobody will be, but he had all the xyz qualities I mentioned before so why couldn't I marry him and accept him? All I can say, is I just didn't feel it. Even tho I didn't expect a perfect partner, I did expect him to be perfect for me. Although my heart knew he was good and pure, my head said nope, or maybe it was the other way around...my head wanted me to love him but my heart said no.  I'm not sure which was which but I knew the two biggest deciders in my love life were in contention and that I could not deny.  You can not fight with intuition.  I wanted to love him, I really, really wanted to love him.  I felt I tried very hard because he loved me unconditionally, and after finally finding that acceptance after so long of craving it made it even harder to let go of. Letting him go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  We were so close, so close to being that happy, silly family unit I desired so badly.  However, the one thing missing was that he was completely unable to be silly, or let go, or take a photo with anything but his usual akward smile.  He had qualities, good ones, that I loved so much and that any lady would be lucky to find in a mate.  But, at the end of the day I had to take my own advice and acknowledge that good decisions will never be easy.  And looking back on my old life, even though my heart aches and I sometimes cry when I'm doing something ridiculous like putting away dishes, I know it will fade and it will be replaced by something stronger and more true.  Everytime we fall, not only do we rise up again, but we rise up stronger, smarter, and more courageous.  I need a moment, a second to mentally document and thank him for his love and devotion because without it I would feel heartless.  I think of all the moving, trips to the store, unpacking, projects and random things that he did for me, he really was a good man. But when the time of mourning has passed, I will be happier.  I can't wait for someone to come into my life that is perfectly flawed, but that can make me laugh and roll with the punches.  Someone who will pick our babies up and swirl them through the air while lighting them up with his smile.  Someone who gives me butterflies, that can also be loyal and possess the good qualities I had before. I'm scared, scared that "all the good ones are taken".  After all I am not starting this off at the greatest age.  But I know that it is not impossible and it will happen for me if I prepare myself for it.  I will end with this, I believe it is an Irish proverb,


"When you come to the edge of all that you know you must believe in one of two things; Either there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings to fly"

I can't wait for my wings.

Photo credit: Tyler Shields www.tylershields.com

XOXO,

Rach