I'm imperfect and it's ALL good

 

Today I find myself with a renewed love for patience and communication.  I don’t know why I continue to let myself get so worked up for nothing.  I let these thoughts swirl around in my head, come to conclusions, get upset- for nothing! Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with Adam, as he tends to be a bit of a ‘if it’s not broken, don’t fix it type’.  I know and understand that the only way to TRULY  know what someone is thinking is to ask them, yet, somehow I have a hard time putting this knowledge into practice- for reasons I do not fully understand.  Throughout our 6 month relationship Adam and I have had plenty of conversations, all of which have been filled with patience and clarity, and in the end we were both left feeling more connected and better understood.  So, why then do I still feel this hesitation to say the words ‘we need to talk’? Is it uncomfortable at times?  Yes. Do I have a problem owning my feelings? No.  After all, I think I am a reasonable girl!!

Last night I wanted to talk to Adam about the "little things" that I felt our relationship could improve on.  Sort of a hard thing to talk to a man about because I never want someone to feel like the things they actually do aren’t appreciated. But just because you do some things well, doesn’t mean you can’t do more, a hard difference to distinguish.  I really do care for Adam so much, and I try my best to show him frequently so that he knows.  I feel that he could do a better job of reciprocating that. A little difficult when he is definitely a 'man’s man' but he shocked me in the best way last night.  At first when I put the topic on the table he came back with, well I’m a man babe, and I use to be sentimental in my early 20’s but I kinda lost it, he continued to say that a lot of guys are this way but that he felt he was getting feelings of sentiment back through his feelings for me.  He also said that as men get older and move away from that early/mid 20’s stage, the sentimental, sweet side returns. 

He asked for a specific example of where he had fallen a little short and I expressed I was upset he didn’t do something a little more meaningful for me for Vday. I took sexy naked photos for him and got him a card with a long thoughtful note written in it. And it is important to note that he did go to a local music store and pick me up some Taylor Swift piano music which was beyond sweet--BUT what I really wanted was to hear how he felt about me.  I tried my best last night to communicate that to him but my words for whatever reason were coming out twisted and odd but he somehow took our thoughts full circle and everything clicked.  He said, "When you wrote that note for me I was touched, and really appreciated it, uh, wow, ok, I just got it."  My response was simple, I just smiled at him and said, thanks babe.  Then we furthered the convo and I told Adam, just because you don’t see the importance of something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, you need to think of my feelings and do things because I want things done.  He said, wow babe, that is such a lost art but I think we should bring it back.  Our male parents (Ruben and Bill) are that way, they do everything for their spouses and vice versa and they are sweet to make sure the other person’s needs are met. I can definitely tell, and know from asking, that the past couple relationships Adam had were very shallow, and as Adam calls them “business relationships”.  Not at all what I’m looking for, and I know that sort of relationship is not what he wants either so in this relationship it will be different: we are learning how to grow and progress with compassion, together.

I am really glad that I took the time to talk to Adam about my issue.  Instead of secretly being disappointed on the inside and harboring feelings of ill will I decided to communicate with him calmly and apparently effectively.  Although it may be difficult or challenging in the immediate, I know in my heart this type of behavior is much better for the long term health of our relationship. I have to be real, I can not expect any man to read my mind and know everything I want, that's typical bad girl behavior! It's interesting how women connect loving them to mind reading..can you say MYTH?! My brothers always say," I need a girl who can gently show me the way and help my stupid ass out without putting me down." Right on.

Simply put: Adam is not perfect, but neither am I and I am head over heels for his imperfect self.

Mom. Mommy. Mother. Madre. Maman. However you say it, it all stands for love.

In response to a post that I feel was a little harsh against my Mother, this post has been born. Whenever I do or say things in a slightly angry mood, I wonder, is this the truth spilling out? Are all my years of frustrations coming to a head? Or am I mad and conjuring up things that shouldn't be that big of a deal? Or maybe misplacing anger? Very hard distinction to make and sometimes I'm just not sure which is which. Just add it to the plethora of reasons that make up my love for writing. Most of the time when I write, I just write, I go, go, go and just let it flow.  THEN I go back and re-read, often times realizing what I wrote doesn't make sense! More often than not, thoughts, feelings, and emotions get swirled around in our good ol heads and the truth of the situation gets lost.  Writing helps me gain that clarity back.

Anyway, I feel it needs to be said that I love my Mom, alot. She is not my best friend, but she is so close to me in a way I can't fathom. Perhaps its because I spent the first 9 months of my existence in her womb. Perhaps its because she raised me and cared for me while my Dad was too busy furthering his career. Perhaps it is because her existence made my existence possible. Perhaps its because she has always been there for me. Perhaps its because she is wonderful. Perhaps it is me that is too hard on her, honestly that's a stretch, but I just hope she knows that I love her despite our differences. I have a hard time reaching out to her because it seems whenever I do she assumes I'm up to something and questions my motives, which in turn makes me feel bad about myself-even tho her assumptions are wrong, which makes me not want to do it anymore. So then I stick with that 'forget it' attitude, then I miss her, then the cycle starts all over.....

Does anyone out there have a less than ideal relationship with their Mom? Maybe some tips that have helped you to overcome?

.oLe.

I love Friday nights. 5 days a week the alarm goes off and I am forced to pry myself from Adam's warm arms and into the shower....which leads to work clothes...which leads to work.  Hopefully that doesn't come across as negative...I love my job. It's pretty much perfect and I really do enjoy my days.  However, snuggling with handsome Adam is pleasureable as well :) Life is good.  Margaritas are flowing through my casa tonite, John Mayer and misc. on the radio.  Feelin great.

I am grateful for:
Ellie
My health and functioning body
Adam
My mother
LOVE
My huge crazy loving family
Emotions
Possibilities
Margaritas
Money in the bank
My car
Opportunities
Court
Growing up gracious
Smarts
Sexual desires
Nature
Sunshine
A good head of hair

Amongst a million other things...

One of my favorite lessons learned as a child is to STOP and count your blessings.  When feelings of negativity creep into my world, it helps me so much to stop and make a list of all the things I have to be thankful for. Sometimes once I get going I find it's hard to stop! What is it that you are most grateful for?

Chicken and Spinach Pasta Bake

I cook quite a bit! I'm always trying different things, making sure to weed out the bad recipes.  This recipe is hands down my favorite so far.  AND all my friends love it. AND my boyfriend loves it (who use to be a chef by the way). Try it for yourself, you won't be disappointed!!!! I found this recipe on: www.mamawhatsfordinner.com




   

  
Ingredients:

• 8 oz. uncooked rigatoni
• 1 Tbsp. olive oil
• 1 cup finely chopped onion
• 1 (10 oz) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed
• 3 cups cubed cooked chicken breasts
• 1 (14.5 oz) can Italian-style diced tomatoes
• 1 (8 oz) container chive-and-onion cream cheese
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. pepper
• 1 1/2 cups (6 oz) shredded mozzarella

Directions:
Prepare rigatoni according to package directions.
Meanwhile, spread oil on bottom of 11x7 baking dish (I used larger); add onion in a single layer. Bake at 375 for 15 minutes or just until tender. Transfer onion to a large bowl, set aside. Drain chopped spinach well, pressing between layers of paper towels. Stir rigatoni, spinach, chicken, and next 4 ingredients into onion in bowl. Spoon mixture into baking dish, and sprinkle evenly with shredded mozzarella cheese. Bake, covered, at 375 for 30 minutes; uncover and bake 15 more minutes or until bubbly. Servings: 4 to 6
Time to Prepare: Prep 15 min, Bake 1 hour
Submitted By: Erin
Original Source: Southern Living

Short and sweet.

I was completely inspired the other night after Adam and I had a little bump in the road. As it would turn out, something he told me wasn't quite true. Dates were mixed up, whatever, I interpreted the situation as he blatantly lied to me, he says he mixed up dates. Being as the dates in question were before we even met, I decided it was best to let this situation go. I was firm about where I stood on the situation and that I was not interested in dating someone I could not trust. He agreed, was understanding, and apologetic. I was upset: he reached out to me, he consoled me, assured me I could trust him in the present and in the future and in that moment, that was exactly what I needed. After we talked and hugged, agreed to go back to being a 'happy normal couple' and went about our evening. At night when our heads hit the pillow I thanked him for having patience and talking to me without getting upset at me. His response melted my heart, he said 'Thank you for talking to me and expressing your concerns, also thank you for not ignoring me any longer.' <--In reference to his 3 un-returned text messages and 2 un-returned phone calls previously that day. Simple as his response sounds it was beyond touching, it put the whole situation into perspective for me. As someone who can tend to be semi-selfish in love I was completely looking at this situation as-- HE LIED TO ME. HE HURT ME, this is all about ME. I was unable to see anything past that. However, Adam was hurt by this too, one of his messages throughout the day said 'I hate that you think I am lying to you.' When we talked at night he said how hard this was for him because he felt like I was negating all of our good times for one mis-communication (I can be a bit of a hard ass). I made a bigger deal out of it then necessary but he allowed it, he allowed me to vent and he listened, apologized, and calmed me down. My gratitude and feelings for Adam greatly increased in that moment. Even though this was my issue and mainly my feelings that were hurt, what a sweet reminder that this situation was hard and hurtful for him too.

 

So here is my grand thought: At all times, we should all do our best to be smart, yet selfless in love and think about the other person involved in the situation. We all have our own past, current struggles, feelings, and experiences and when two people are attempting to come together one should always remember to be true to themselves and own their issues however still maintain a kind soul that can allow the other person to be heard and felt too. Even if you are the person in the wrong, compassion from the person you wronged is a beautiful thing. Live and learn ♥

Little owl says WHOOOOOOO are you?

It's like looking in a gray, dirty mirror all the time.  It's like playing tug of war with your panache.  It's like  hating and loving and hating and kinda loving, and then changing your mind again all the time.  It's fucking madness.

Self-identity is the topic.  Playing the blame game is so last season, but I can not escape the challenges that my Mother seems to love to put on my emotional plate.  The scenario that stemmed the topic was last night her and Bill stopped by to drop off some chocolate souffles, a must appreciated gesture.  However, the new guy I'm seeing, Adam, was there cooking dinner and it took my parents all of 10 minutes to start in with the tattoo questions (he has a half-sleeve), I figured they meant no harm and were just curious, so I didn't make a big deal of it.  Next day (today) my Mom text me asking why I was acting so different last night, I said no big deal was just on my period not feeling so great.  She continues with, if you say so, sure you weren't drinking.... and other nonsense that resonates through my head.  After continued prodding I told her I was slightly bothered that they harassed Adam about his tattoo but that ultimately it was no big deal.  Since I said that I have not heard from her. That was 8 hours ago and she still is not speaking to me.  I can sum this behavior up numerous ways: childish, ridiculous, offensive, and whatever a good word/term is that basically says I am exhausted of trying with her!  We just don't get along, period.  She is timid: I am not.  She hates communicating: I thrive on it.  She dislikes being social: I seek social interactions.  She fears new people: I introduce myself to strangers.  She lives with trepidation: I work to banish the trepidation she put in my life. She is close minded: I am open.  We could not be more polar opposite.  Yet she is my Mother, and she wants to be closer to me and I want to be closer to her, in theory.  In real life, we are not even friends on Facebook.  

However, fucked up relationship aside, what haunts me is that our differences leap off the page.  She is constantly interjecting her disapproval of my life into my everyday. That holds true with anything that plays out to be different than what she envisioned for me.  It kills me that my Mother can't see outside her Mormon bubble/predetermined life for me.  She does not prefer people with tattoos, that swear (and yes even hell counts), drink, smoke, dance, live, or do anything different from her norm.  Basically anyone who is willing to be ostentatious and put themselves out there she feels uncomfortable with, great guide to introduce people to the world, eh?  My whole life my Mom has made me feel like I need to be Mormon, marry in the temple, have 3 kids, or else the sigh of disapproval is there.  And I try to see both sides, clearly my Mom feels very strongly about her religion and she is going to want to share with her children and hope that they accept.  However, if some kids have not chosen her path, does that give her the right to treat us differently and constantly put down behavior 99% of the world deems appropriate?

I wonder how my life would be so different if I was not constantly made to feel like a failure.  If I had a more worldly mother who didn't demean me for normal cravings.  Regardless, I am firm believer that we were all raised less than ideally in some form or another and as adults we have the right and resources to work to where we want to be.  I always had this ideology that mother and daughter would be inseparable, could talk for hours, share everything, etc. but my Mom and I's relationship is like a gymnast that can't stick the landing.  We try to make it work, try to play up the few dim similarities but as we get closer, we fall apart. For me, internally searching for a better way to live and function is a part of daily life.  I believe that people should constantly seek to improve, learn, and grow.  Reading articles, taking classes, stretching my comfort zones, being involved in 'over-my-head' conversations, new music, scaring myself, is all part of being me. This definitely conflicts with my relationship with my Mom. As I 'get out there' and fall in love with all these new things, it furthers me from the ideal person she thought I would be.  Of course she is supportive of education, but not salsa dancing, or an awesome new friend I met while tequila tasting.  Becoming an adult has been liberating, and so far, my everyday favorite thing.  Coming to the realization that being who I am doesn't jive with having my Mom be my best friend hurts, but sometimes life doesn't always deal us a royal flush.  I will not be someone I am not to please her.  I owe it to myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy.  They say that letting go isn't the end, it's just the beginning.  It feels sickly ok to say that I am now ok knowing that I will never be best friends with my Mom.  It's just time to face the music, we've been dealt one pair.

Giddy, but reserved pants.

New beginnings are on the horizon.  True in many aspects of life but, perhaps due to hormones and horniness there is only one new beginning on the brain right now as I write, his name is Adam.  Things with Adam have been good, I don't want to use the word great just yet, and cue entrance of the 'reserved' part of the title here...I don't know what I feel, this is why I write.  Throughout grammar, syntax, and wit my life comes together right in front of my eyes most the time.  Anyway, guess a backlog would be appropriate right about now.  Adam and I met online, exchanged a few emails, then texts, met for coffee, met for drinks, yadi yada now we're dating.  It's been about 6 weeks ish? I like him.  He is tall, successful, silly, smart, fun, comfortable, understanding, and basically my minds manifestation of a walking dream boat. Last night while he was cooking dinner in his glasses, chatting up a storm, I couldnt help but just smile.  He embodies the essence of the whole sophisticated and sexy thing while still being able to relax in a tshirt with me, indulging in our special things, while conversing about world affairs or who cares who's right or wrong? Always what I've dreamed of.  Our dates have varied from Michael Jackson tribute concerts to football dates in sweatpants on the couch, to expensive dinners that involve heels and slacks. Explains the giddiness right? However, I feel these reservations, and advice always says to pay attention to the red flags right? But how do you know if the flags you perceive to be 'red' are indeed red flags, there lies the problem.  I feel.......ugh.....I feel.....................confused by Adam's intentions.  Maybe I am over analyzing, maybe I am being smart to avoid really getting hurt, I have not decided yet, and it really is impossible for me to decide until I know what he is thinking.  I feel like I just want time, but every time we kiss I seem to feel pressure from more than just his lips.  

Adam does really sweet things--like take me to great dinners/cooks amazing dinners, tells the waiter 'ladies choice' and lets me choose, listens to the small things, but then he will do something completely silly like not notice there are 6 people and 5 chairs and I am the only one standing. If you know me at all, you  know I am not a pessimist, and it is not in my style to negate six good actions for one bad one. I am not expecting perfection from a man, if I did I would just throw in the towel now and sign on the dotted line, crazy cat lady fo' life! X__________.  However, I am just trying to be smart here and find the middle ground of how do I know he really cares about me/he is a guy and is going to do stupid shit that I need to just let go of. My friend Courtney brings up good points that semi-haunt me: this is the beginning, he is bringing his best behavior to the table, this is as good as it's gonna get...the logical part of me says she is right.

The problem is I am fighting against the clock, does it even need to be typed out that the chemistry is radiating between us? Our makeout sessions have progressed from innocent smooches outside saying goodnight to is that his hand on my ass? omg that is so hot. to me on top of him on the couch moaning in his ear. My body wants him so badly and it would appear that vice versa is true but I'm not going to have sex with someone I hardly know, it's too risky when you like someone. If I had no feelings for Adam the neighbors probably would have called the police for a noise violation last night, but we are past that point of sex buddies yet not ready for committed sex. I just don't feel we know enough about eachother. And I know that it's easy for guys to leave girls at any point when they find out something they don't like, but women being more attachment prone, damn all that oxytocin, have a harder time saying "Peace" once sex is involved.  Sounds like I need to stop smoochin and start chattin with him...Stay tuned....