Sunday, July 1, 2012

50 Shades of Pissed.

My heart is racing, my teeth are unbrushed.  I am laying in bed after ditching class, wait what, it was cancelled anyways? Yes!  But I digress, as I am laying in bed this morning I am mad.  Not furious or blood boiling mad, just pissed.  For anyone reading that is not in the loop, I went through a break-up about a few months ago and I don't know if this is a part of the grieving stage or what but today's emotion of the day is: pissed. And I have arrived, full fledged. Although I'd never do anything as drastic as the photo entails, I'm still pissed in my own way!

I was extremely close to pushing send on an email to the ex, then thought, hahahaha, no you crazy, we live in 2012, we blog about stuff now.  And in a much wiser state of mind, I am doing just that.  Because pushing send on an email would just force him to respond and that is the last thing I want.

So, why am I mad? Here is why.

I am mad because he lied to me about really trivial shit.
I am still mad that he told {insert BFF's name here} something extremely top secret that I asked him not to tell anyone. Then again, lied to me about telling him. Funny how text messages don't lie though.
I am mad that he forwarded our private emails to some girl name Alysha, then again, blatantly lied about it.
Sidenote: People do realize white lies count as lies right? 
I am mad that he didn't call and/or show up to work for my parents, TWICE, when they have been nothing but good to him.
I am mad that he pulled his stupid truck that I HATE in my driveway yesterday. Pushing that bitch off a cliff would give me so much satisfaction you have no idea...
I am mad I gave him 2 years of my life for nothing.
I am mad that he couldn't communicate or share anything about himself with me the whole time we dated.
I am mad at myself for loving him.

Wait, WHAT?

Often times people say anger gets misplaced, maybe I am mad at myself... I should have called this relationship off so much sooner than I did.  But, I loved his mother, and his smile, and his warm arms that were always there for me.  I was wrapped up in love, which he had plenty to give.  He showered me with praise, yet harbored so many personal issues. I was not being nurtured the way a companion should be.  Although he had a heart of gold, he was lacking in some major areas.  Hard lesson to learn.  When you are surrounded by all these stories of women being abused in one form or another, settling seems to become more and more prevalent.  Times are changing, dating patterns are changing so naturally peoples expectations change too. But, lesson learned, just because a man is ridiculously nice to you, doesn't mean you to have to accept that and stay with him.  Love should feel completely fulfilling, and with Ryan- we were so close yet so far.  Hopefully next time, I find myself smarter in love...


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