An update on my pants.

So, in the life of a crazy 28 year old scatter brain, shit happens.  Everyday is so consuming, things are always changing and staying on top of stuff is a full-time job in and of itself.  Anyways, as I was re-reading through some of my blog posts I realized I never really updated the 'Giddy but Reserved Pants' post.

My journey to being a couple with Adam was a little like a back country dirt road.  It wasn't paved, clearly marked, or smooth.  It was thrilling and a little bumpy, and it was our own.  If you've read the previous Pants post you know that I had reservations about the relationship, and was confused by some potential red flags. As it would turn out, the red flags were flags but they were not permanent problems, they were merely road blocks. All during our coming together, I had a feeling about Adam, a sense that he was a little confused but that he was a great person with even better intentions. At times I felt like he had one foot in and one foot out. The thought that he had one foot out clearly troubled me, but the thought of him having one foot in intrigued me at the same time. Adam definitely displayed interest in me, he sent me sweet texts, I knew I was on his mind, and I knew he liked me, I just wasn't sure why the reservations.  Men are confusing creatures, and trying to figure out if they really, truly care about us women in the beginning of a relationship can often times be very confusing.  I was definitely in that boat with him, but I'm so glad I didn't give up and toss him overboard!!!!

Through understanding and communication I learned that Adam had a lot of past 'business relationships' ...and I am quite different from that.  I am old-fashioned and one of those 'nice girls'- a true homey homie if you will, a hard combination to understand in modern times.  He had entwining relationships from his past that were holding him captive until he knew what was going on with me.  I had hesitations in the beginning too, and not wanting to come off too needy I held back as well.  Put the two scenarios together and in retrospect those are the feelings that ignited the original post.

Fast forward to now....Here we are 4 months after all this dating pre-screening business, stronger than ever and I'm sure nowhere near as strong as we will be someday. Adam told me just the other day that I fill a void that has been in his life for longer than he cares to admit.  I often find myself lost in his eyes and dreaming about our future. We actually share an address now, the bachelor pad he use to call home is now in boxes. I don't have the slightest desire to be with anyone else, his companionship completes me.  I've always liked Adam a lot, and I realized that with that came unwanted pressures and that I was pushing expectations onto him that he wasn't ready for.  I was on one playing field and Adam was on another. Adam had reservations of his own, he was getting to know me, and as a very guarded person he did not understand my intentions or level of sincerity which led him to pull back/come to me at a slower pace.

I am so grateful that I did not give up on Adam.  The purpose of this post is to share with people that often times people holdback/hide their inner selves not because they are jerks or incapable of caring but because they are living, breathing human beings with a past. My hope is that women can be smart in dating, and see the difference in between men who are a waste of time and men who just need a little reassurance. Instead of judging him, I took things slow, had a lot of patience, and communicated my thoughts very clearly because I really liked him and felt the relationship deserved the attention. With a little work, I've got myself a great relationship.  Adam and I are definitely 'that couple'.  The couple that radiates happiness, respect, and love and it was and will be worth every drop of work that goes into it.

Photo credit: Annie B Art
Title: Dancing Tree Spirits
http://www.annieb-art.co.uk/gallery.htm

I'm imperfect and it's ALL good

 

Today I find myself with a renewed love for patience and communication.  I don’t know why I continue to let myself get so worked up for nothing.  I let these thoughts swirl around in my head, come to conclusions, get upset- for nothing! Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with Adam, as he tends to be a bit of a ‘if it’s not broken, don’t fix it type’.  I know and understand that the only way to TRULY  know what someone is thinking is to ask them, yet, somehow I have a hard time putting this knowledge into practice- for reasons I do not fully understand.  Throughout our 6 month relationship Adam and I have had plenty of conversations, all of which have been filled with patience and clarity, and in the end we were both left feeling more connected and better understood.  So, why then do I still feel this hesitation to say the words ‘we need to talk’? Is it uncomfortable at times?  Yes. Do I have a problem owning my feelings? No.  After all, I think I am a reasonable girl!!

Last night I wanted to talk to Adam about the "little things" that I felt our relationship could improve on.  Sort of a hard thing to talk to a man about because I never want someone to feel like the things they actually do aren’t appreciated. But just because you do some things well, doesn’t mean you can’t do more, a hard difference to distinguish.  I really do care for Adam so much, and I try my best to show him frequently so that he knows.  I feel that he could do a better job of reciprocating that. A little difficult when he is definitely a 'man’s man' but he shocked me in the best way last night.  At first when I put the topic on the table he came back with, well I’m a man babe, and I use to be sentimental in my early 20’s but I kinda lost it, he continued to say that a lot of guys are this way but that he felt he was getting feelings of sentiment back through his feelings for me.  He also said that as men get older and move away from that early/mid 20’s stage, the sentimental, sweet side returns. 

He asked for a specific example of where he had fallen a little short and I expressed I was upset he didn’t do something a little more meaningful for me for Vday. I took sexy naked photos for him and got him a card with a long thoughtful note written in it. And it is important to note that he did go to a local music store and pick me up some Taylor Swift piano music which was beyond sweet--BUT what I really wanted was to hear how he felt about me.  I tried my best last night to communicate that to him but my words for whatever reason were coming out twisted and odd but he somehow took our thoughts full circle and everything clicked.  He said, "When you wrote that note for me I was touched, and really appreciated it, uh, wow, ok, I just got it."  My response was simple, I just smiled at him and said, thanks babe.  Then we furthered the convo and I told Adam, just because you don’t see the importance of something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, you need to think of my feelings and do things because I want things done.  He said, wow babe, that is such a lost art but I think we should bring it back.  Our male parents (Ruben and Bill) are that way, they do everything for their spouses and vice versa and they are sweet to make sure the other person’s needs are met. I can definitely tell, and know from asking, that the past couple relationships Adam had were very shallow, and as Adam calls them “business relationships”.  Not at all what I’m looking for, and I know that sort of relationship is not what he wants either so in this relationship it will be different: we are learning how to grow and progress with compassion, together.

I am really glad that I took the time to talk to Adam about my issue.  Instead of secretly being disappointed on the inside and harboring feelings of ill will I decided to communicate with him calmly and apparently effectively.  Although it may be difficult or challenging in the immediate, I know in my heart this type of behavior is much better for the long term health of our relationship. I have to be real, I can not expect any man to read my mind and know everything I want, that's typical bad girl behavior! It's interesting how women connect loving them to mind reading..can you say MYTH?! My brothers always say," I need a girl who can gently show me the way and help my stupid ass out without putting me down." Right on.

Simply put: Adam is not perfect, but neither am I and I am head over heels for his imperfect self.