Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Giddy, but reserved pants.

New beginnings are on the horizon.  True in many aspects of life but, perhaps due to hormones and horniness there is only one new beginning on the brain right now as I write, his name is Adam.  Things with Adam have been good, I don't want to use the word great just yet, and cue entrance of the 'reserved' part of the title here...I don't know what I feel, this is why I write.  Throughout grammar, syntax, and wit my life comes together right in front of my eyes most the time.  Anyway, guess a backlog would be appropriate right about now.  Adam and I met online, exchanged a few emails, then texts, met for coffee, met for drinks, yadi yada now we're dating.  It's been about 6 weeks ish? I like him.  He is tall, successful, silly, smart, fun, comfortable, understanding, and basically my minds manifestation of a walking dream boat. Last night while he was cooking dinner in his glasses, chatting up a storm, I couldnt help but just smile.  He embodies the essence of the whole sophisticated and sexy thing while still being able to relax in a tshirt with me, indulging in our special things, while conversing about world affairs or who cares who's right or wrong? Always what I've dreamed of.  Our dates have varied from Michael Jackson tribute concerts to football dates in sweatpants on the couch, to expensive dinners that involve heels and slacks. Explains the giddiness right? However, I feel these reservations, and advice always says to pay attention to the red flags right? But how do you know if the flags you perceive to be 'red' are indeed red flags, there lies the problem.  I feel.......ugh.....I feel.....................confused by Adam's intentions.  Maybe I am over analyzing, maybe I am being smart to avoid really getting hurt, I have not decided yet, and it really is impossible for me to decide until I know what he is thinking.  I feel like I just want time, but every time we kiss I seem to feel pressure from more than just his lips.  

Adam does really sweet things--like take me to great dinners/cooks amazing dinners, tells the waiter 'ladies choice' and lets me choose, listens to the small things, but then he will do something completely silly like not notice there are 6 people and 5 chairs and I am the only one standing. If you know me at all, you  know I am not a pessimist, and it is not in my style to negate six good actions for one bad one. I am not expecting perfection from a man, if I did I would just throw in the towel now and sign on the dotted line, crazy cat lady fo' life! X__________.  However, I am just trying to be smart here and find the middle ground of how do I know he really cares about me/he is a guy and is going to do stupid shit that I need to just let go of. My friend Courtney brings up good points that semi-haunt me: this is the beginning, he is bringing his best behavior to the table, this is as good as it's gonna get...the logical part of me says she is right.

The problem is I am fighting against the clock, does it even need to be typed out that the chemistry is radiating between us? Our makeout sessions have progressed from innocent smooches outside saying goodnight to is that his hand on my ass? omg that is so hot. to me on top of him on the couch moaning in his ear. My body wants him so badly and it would appear that vice versa is true but I'm not going to have sex with someone I hardly know, it's too risky when you like someone. If I had no feelings for Adam the neighbors probably would have called the police for a noise violation last night, but we are past that point of sex buddies yet not ready for committed sex. I just don't feel we know enough about eachother. And I know that it's easy for guys to leave girls at any point when they find out something they don't like, but women being more attachment prone, damn all that oxytocin, have a harder time saying "Peace" once sex is involved.  Sounds like I need to stop smoochin and start chattin with him...Stay tuned....

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