It's like looking in a gray, dirty mirror all the time. It's like playing tug of war with your panache. It's like hating and loving and hating and kinda loving, and then changing your mind again all the time. It's fucking madness.
Self-identity is the topic. Playing the blame game is so last season, but I can not escape the challenges that my Mother seems to love to put on my emotional plate. The scenario that stemmed the topic was last night her and Bill stopped by to drop off some chocolate souffles, a must appreciated gesture. However, the new guy I'm seeing, Adam, was there cooking dinner and it took my parents all of 10 minutes to start in with the tattoo questions (he has a half-sleeve), I figured they meant no harm and were just curious, so I didn't make a big deal of it. Next day (today) my Mom text me asking why I was acting so different last night, I said no big deal was just on my period not feeling so great. She continues with, if you say so, sure you weren't drinking.... and other nonsense that resonates through my head. After continued prodding I told her I was slightly bothered that they harassed Adam about his tattoo but that ultimately it was no big deal. Since I said that I have not heard from her. That was 8 hours ago and she still is not speaking to me. I can sum this behavior up numerous ways: childish, ridiculous, offensive, and whatever a good word/term is that basically says I am exhausted of trying with her! We just don't get along, period. She is timid: I am not. She hates communicating: I thrive on it. She dislikes being social: I seek social interactions. She fears new people: I introduce myself to strangers. She lives with trepidation: I work to banish the trepidation she put in my life. She is close minded: I am open. We could not be more polar opposite. Yet she is my Mother, and she wants to be closer to me and I want to be closer to her, in theory. In real life, we are not even friends on Facebook.
However, fucked up relationship aside, what haunts me is that our differences leap off the page. She is constantly interjecting her disapproval of my life into my everyday. That holds true with anything that plays out to be different than what she envisioned for me. It kills me that my Mother can't see outside her Mormon bubble/predetermined life for me. She does not prefer people with tattoos, that swear (and yes even hell counts), drink, smoke, dance, live, or do anything different from her norm. Basically anyone who is willing to be ostentatious and put themselves out there she feels uncomfortable with, great guide to introduce people to the world, eh? My whole life my Mom has made me feel like I need to be Mormon, marry in the temple, have 3 kids, or else the sigh of disapproval is there. And I try to see both sides, clearly my Mom feels very strongly about her religion and she is going to want to share with her children and hope that they accept. However, if some kids have not chosen her path, does that give her the right to treat us differently and constantly put down behavior 99% of the world deems appropriate?
I wonder how my life would be so different if I was not constantly made to feel like a failure. If I had a more worldly mother who didn't demean me for normal cravings. Regardless, I am firm believer that we were all raised less than ideally in some form or another and as adults we have the right and resources to work to where we want to be. I always had this ideology that mother and daughter would be inseparable, could talk for hours, share everything, etc. but my Mom and I's relationship is like a gymnast that can't stick the landing. We try to make it work, try to play up the few dim similarities but as we get closer, we fall apart. For me, internally searching for a better way to live and function is a part of daily life. I believe that people should constantly seek to improve, learn, and grow. Reading articles, taking classes, stretching my comfort zones, being involved in 'over-my-head' conversations, new music, scaring myself, is all part of being me. This definitely conflicts with my relationship with my Mom. As I 'get out there' and fall in love with all these new things, it furthers me from the ideal person she thought I would be. Of course she is supportive of education, but not salsa dancing, or an awesome new friend I met while tequila tasting. Becoming an adult has been liberating, and so far, my everyday favorite thing. Coming to the realization that being who I am doesn't jive with having my Mom be my best friend hurts, but sometimes life doesn't always deal us a royal flush. I will not be someone I am not to please her. I owe it to myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy. They say that letting go isn't the end, it's just the beginning. It feels sickly ok to say that I am now ok knowing that I will never be best friends with my Mom. It's just time to face the music, we've been dealt one pair.